Bryn’s Belly

July29, 2006

My precious little Bryn,

Today was one of the worst days of my life. I was so worried about you and I couldn't make you better. It all started on Friday. We gave you baby applesauce and you had really bad poops and diarrhea that whole day. I just attributed it to the applesauce, and didn't really think anything else about it, and maybe there was nothing to it…. But you threw up your lunch-oatmeal, carrots, apples and blueberries- several times over on Saturday beginning at 1:30. You were fussing in your bed and when I picked you up and brought you downstairs you let your lunch go. That was just the beginning. You threw up several times and so I called the nurse to see what to do about feeding you and how to take care of you. I was supposed to give you 1 tsp of pedialyte every 5-10 minutes. If you threw up I was supposed to wait 30 before I fed you more. Well, you threw up every 40 min. when I would feed you again. You didn't have a fever, and the doctor just told me to call back if you had diarrhea too. You just snuggled with me all day, and you were very weak and uncomfortable. But at about 7 I fed you and you held it down, so I thought we were finally in the clear. I put you in your swing, with it turned off, and you slept through the night.

You woke up at about 6:30 the next morning. I fed you then, as much as you wanted thinking you were over your tummy problems, but you threw it all up. I was really upset and worried. I knew something was wrong. Around 10ish you had diarrhea in your diaper, so I called the doctor again. You were completely listless, weak, and lethargic. They told me to take you to A Cute Kids Urgent Care in McKinney when it opened at 12. I brought you there with just your diaper and a towel because you soaked through everything else. They took some blood, took urine from a catheter for labs, and took a stool sample. When they tried to put an IV in, it was really hard. They only stuck you 3 times, but the first two veins collapsed when they tried to put the fluid in because you were so dehydrated. They got the IV in your head, and they gave you fluid for about 7 hours. By then you were throwing up bile and you had blood in your diaper. It was a pinkish mucous, like jelly, but it had some little chunks of tissue too. They said that that happens with as much vomiting and diarrhea as you'd had. They also said before the IV in that you would perk up and be yourself again once they hydrated you with fluids, but that wasn't the case. You were still sleepy and weak, not my Bryn. I was just holding you that whole time, singing to you (all week really), and when I sang "You Are My Sunshine," I would cry at the part where it says, "Please don't take my sunshine away." At the end of the day the doctor said that he gave you an antibiotic for what could be a urinary tract infection, and that he gave you enough fluids to keep you hydrated through the night. He said we could go home and that you probably had a stomach virus. I asked about taking you to the ER, but he said that they would just do the same things he had and that they didn't need to be done again. I hated bringing you home, but you hadn't thrown up in a couple hours because they gave you a nausea medicine, so I thought maybe you'd get better with rest. On the way home I texted Dr. Anthony Vallarino, my friend, and he said to ask about intussusception and a few other things. I planned to the next morning. The urgent care Dr. had told me to nurse you before bed and I did, but you threw it up instantly. I was crying again, and we called the nurse line. She told us to take you to the emergency room if you continued to throw up several more times. I hated every second of the night because you were uncomfortable and in pain, and about every 15 minutes you'd wake up and arch your back, twisting yourself around in your swing. I'd go back and forth between holding you and putting you in the swing, trying to get you comfortable somehow. Nothing worked. In the morning we woke up about 6, and you had slept for about 2 straight hours. The urgent care doctor told me to nurse you in the morning, but you weren't interested. So I gave you some pedialyte, tried to pump, then gave you a little syringe full of my milk. You drank it and then wanted more, but you threw it all up again. By now I was scared, furious that I wasn't at the doctors- they didn't open until 8:30- and feeling so awful for you. I started getting ready, knowing that the second the Drs. Office opened I was going. But when they did open and I called for an appointment they couldn't get me in until 9:20. I waited a little longer and then took you, naked again, to the doctor's. Dr. Smith said she wanted to check us into the hospital because you were dehydrated. Before I asked about what Anthony had told me, she said there was something called intussusception that made the intestines telescope in on themselves, but that it was not very common and probably wasn't the case. She was ordering an x-ray and more labs to check everything out. We went straight to the hospital, around 10 am.

At Allen Presbyterian Hospital they must have tried 20 times to get an IV in you, each time the vein would blow. They said it was like putting a needle into the edge of a paper, that your veins were flat instead of round because you were dehydrated. It was awful. But after 4 hours of no IV and no liquid, I asked them to ask Dr. Smith if I could try pedialyte again. She let me and this time you kept it all down. I gave you 5 ml every 10 min. When they got the results of the x-ray back it showed you had pockets of air on one side of your large intestine, and not as much on the other. There was still a little gas throughout, but the pocket of air/gas was a little concerning. They ordered a sonogram and, just like the x-ray, neither diagnosed intussusception or cleared you from having it. I was sick to my stomach; you were just miserable, weak and really dehydrated. I made sure that the doctors had a way of getting fluids to you if you really needed them, and Dr. Smith said she would go straight to the bone if the time came. I was glad there was at least another option. It was time to do something though, and Dr. Smith said that we should go ahead and give you an air enema which would not only diagnose intussusception but could treat it as well. Not a fun procedure, but not necessarily harmful. She recommended transferring to another hospital with a pediatric ward, and I chose Children's Hospital in Dallas. Within an hour and a half, an ambulance arrived and took us there. I was in a daze. This was spiraling out of control, and my heart hurt.

Daddy went home to take Brea to her friend Roman's house, and then he got several things for our stay. I rode on the ambulance with you, and watched you from the front seat. The ambulance crew was so nice and talked to you why they worked on trying to find an IV spot. They failed once and then decided to take you to their emergency room to have an IV specialist work on you. On the way there I texted everyone to pray that a vein would work, and sure enough the nurse got it with one try. It was on your head again and it worked for about two hours, but then that vein blew too. At least they were able to give you several boluses of fluid before it burst. Then you got poked some more until a vein took. I hated every second of it. I was terrified for you. The whole ambulance ride and going to another hospital seemed very major, and I was still hoping that you only had a tummy ache. Of course I knew better, but I didn't want to believe it. We met the doctor, Dr. Lee, and he was very nice. We updated him on your symptoms and told him about the intussusception Dr. Smith and Vallarino were concerned about. He went to look at the x-ray results from that day, and then came up to discuss them. He also was concerned about the air pockets, the color of the blood in your diapers (that never went away), and the fact that you had fits of pain. He said usually kids will fuss for about 15 minutes, then be okay for a couple hours. You would fuss for about 2 min. every 15. He ordered another x-ray to make comparisons. After that one was also inconclusive, he said he wanted to do another x-ray in the morning, after you got you hydrated (he didn't want to do the enema with you still dehydrated) to see if that changed the gas patterns. That night was awful; people kept coming in and waking you up and you kept throwing up the pedialyte they told me to give you. Daddy went home and planned to pick Brea up in the morning and to meet Granna at our house. Granna hated being at home and was so worried for you. When I asked her if she'd regret coming out if you only had a tummy virus, she said, "Laura, I hope that's all this is, and I want to be with you all." That meant the world to me.

The next morning they did another x-ray on your tummy. It was inconclusive, and so Dr. Lee said that we needed to do the enema. Daddy was on his way, and Granna was watching Brea. A resident surgeon came up to discuss the procedure and explain why he was involved. Apparently they notify the surgeons just in case something goes wrong. I asked if that was likely and he said no. I had this awful fear that your intestines would burst just like all of your veins were. The doctor was nice, but said no, that wouldn't happen. I felt better after I asked all my "what if" questions and he reminded me that the only procedure he intended to do was the enema. Then they let me carry you downstairs to the procedure room. They explained what they were going to do and that if you didn't have intussusception it would be over very quickly and you'd be quite gassy. If they did find a problem it would take longer as they tried to work it out. I had to wait outside the door, which was okay. I hate to see you in pain. I made them promise to take care of you. I sent more texts out asking for prayers. And I talked with Daddy who was just pulling up to the hospital. It was taking a long time, and I could hear you crying intermittently. I was desperate to see you. And then the resident surgeon came out with a lady who had a sad look on her face, walked and talked in slow motion as she put her hand on my knee. I thought I was going to vomit. I couldn't focus on her. I knew it was bad news and I needed your daddy with me. I kept looking over my shoulder for him. He wasn't there. She was talking and saying that you'd be okay…Something went wrong… They'd have to take you to surgery… You had intussusception but they couldn't reduce it with the enema…They leaked air into your intestines because the intestine was too weak… I looked at the surgeon and I said, "You told me that wouldn't happen!" I really thought I was spinning; my gut was being wrenched from me. I needed to see you. And when I went in, and saw your limp body on the table, your belly so hard and swollen with air, I wanted more than ever to take your place. I was sobbing and trying to console you. I rubbed your cheek with mine, your nose to mine, telling you that you could do this, that I needed you to do this. I needed you to fight hard for me. I couldn't live without you. And I couldn't take your pain away. And then you started convulsing like you were going to throw up, only it was thick, bubbly spit with dark brown blood in it. I just wanted to make you better. With all of my being I was heartbroken, scared, terrified, and longing for you. We had to sign consent forms that say everything awful that could happen to you. Daddy and I were both hysterical, thinking the worst and yet having to hand over our baby in hopes that you'd be better. It was our only option. They said they would have to cut out the intussusception and any part of the bowel that wasn't healthy. Repair the hole from the leak, and hopefully sew the intestines back together. They said there was a possibility of them having to sew the ends of the bowel to your skin, and you would have to have a colostomy bag for a few months until it healed. That sounded awful for you, but as long as they gave you back to me, I thought we could handle it. I kept saying, I can get through this if you tell me she'll be okay. But they couldn't promise, only try to reassure us. It didn't work. I held you closely until they were ready for you, and then I was sure my heart was ripped in half. I felt the punch to my gut and I sobbed some more in daddy's arms. I hated this for you. We had to go wait in the waiting room, and the nurse would call in about an hour to tell us how you were doing. It was a long hour. Daddy got us food and we recruited more prayers from friends and family. Then God helped us pass the time by making us be silly together. It wasn't a funny time, but the laughter helped a lot. The nurse finally called and said they had started and that you were doing great. That made us feel a bit better, but not quite. We were prepared to wait for 4 hours, but after two the nurse called us to a conference room. Luckily we knew that they would bring us there, or we might have died right then. When Dr. Skinner, the surgeon who operated on you, came in he said that you were doing great, that everything went well, and that he was able to reduce the intussusception without cutting the intestines. Great news! He took out your appendix just because he was in there and so you don't have any problems later with it. He explained that although they looked for the hole that leaked the air out, they couldn't find it. He did find and repair 8 tears where the bowel was the weakest and he thought that the air might have leaked through there. We were so thankful and excited to see you and that you were "cured"! We had to wait another 2 hours, which was an eternity. But I was actually able to sleep a bit, knowing that you were okay and that we didn't have to wonder what was wrong with you. You were diagnosed and treated, and all you had to do now was heal from the surgery. The doctor said that your vomiting should be over, and that the bloody stools would get less and less as it heals. We thanked him and he said, "Well, let's give thanks to God, because He's the ultimate Healer." How amazing was that? I'm glad God put him in charge of the surgery. I get goose bumps just thinking about how humble that Dr. was. He just saw himself as using the talents that God had given him, and he's right. I wish I would have thanked him for doing what God called him to do.

When the nurse came into the waiting room again, she told us you were recovering and we could go see you, one at a time. I went first, quickly, and then let daddy see you quickly before I stole you back. Daddy went to pick up Brea and Granna. You were sleeping and peaceful. You had a nose tube, a catheter, heart monitors and an IV coming out of you. That was scary, but luckily I saw uncle David when he was in the hospital and in pretty bad condition. I think he prepared me for that. They would give you morphine when they could and when you had painful expressions. I didn't want you to feel anything. I felt like I was in another world. In a cloud of Bryness, only thinking of you and how lucky we ended up being. I was supposed to go up to the room to get our stuff 'cause we were being moved to a different room, but I didn't know how to get there and I couldn't remember the 5 digit room number. I was standing at the elevator with a lady who brought me to that point, wondering what floor I was on. I had asked directions, nodded and answered thank you, but I wasn't paying any attention. I was about to go ask again when the elevator opened and out popped Mike and Robyn. I didn't even know they were coming! I told them my predicament and Mike said they had just come from the room and they'd show me. It was definitely God looking after me. The room ended up not being ready, so I went to go pump until it was done. Well, after I pumped I realized that I didn't know where the other room was, and that I didn't pay any attention to the directions I had gotten. I was a wreck! Seriously confused and disoriented. Well, as I was opening the door to ask a nurse, Billy, Carla and Samantha showed up at the door. They said they had just been to the new room, and they led me there. God intercepted again for me!! Thanks! So the rest of the night was getting settled, holding you and watching you, praying, and talking with family and friends. Life was feeling a little better.

Tonight was hard. After everyone left I was just thinking about how awful this could have been. And even though things were going to be getting better and I knew that you had been treated correctly, you were still not my Bryn. You were still very sick, tired, hurting and probably scared. I know that people meant well by being positive and telling me how good you looked and all, but for some reason I still needed to grieve for you, and I couldn't fully relax until you were back to being my happy and healthy baby. I guess other people get to breathe easy when you seemed to be in the clear, as they should, but mommies aren't able to think that way. I really wanted my mom to be with me. I was very sad. And daddy needed to be with Brea, which was good because she was worried about you too. But I was alone. You took great comfort in me, and settled down when I would hold you. I had to sit in this rocking chair that was really uncomfortable, and by the time I'd decide I had to put you down both of my legs and arms (and butt) would be asleep. Why don't they have comfy chairs in hospital rooms?? I guess I should catch a bit of sleep now. I just remember this awful experience so that we know we made it and that we become stronger for it.

August 3,

Each night at the hospital different nurses would come in every hour to poke, prod, and make sure you were okay. Every time someone came in you woke up and it took awhile to settle you down and get you to sleep. Deep down I knew you were going to be fine, and I was truly exhausted, so when there was a bit of time to catch some sleep, we both tried. The doctor said you'd have your nose tube that drained your tummy for a few days, and that we'd probably be in the hospital for about a week and some change. We were praying that you're stomach fluids would be less, that you'd have a bowel movement and that when they let you you'd take in your fluids without vomiting. Well, that first night you pooped, and that was a great sign! The doctor's were glad about that as well on Wednesday morning, but still wanted to keep your tube in. They took your catheter out, and gave you about 6 hours to pee. It was hard to tell what was what in your diaper, so I think they gave you a few extra hours. Thursday morning when the doctors came in they said that you were doing great and that your tube could come out! And after several hours I could nurse you again!! What great news! So each day it was getting easier to hold you 'cause there were less cords in the way. I held you close almost all day, you would sleep well snuggled up close to me. Most of the day you'd sleep, and when you were awake you were pretty serious, contemplative, and just observing everything. I was dying to see your smile- you hadn't smiled since Saturday afternoon- or at least something that told me you were peaceful and occasionally happy. I had to wait for that. It was hard and I was still sad. But around 2 pm they let me give you a bit of pedialyte and then I got to nurse you. It was nice to be able to do something for you finally. It's hard feeling helpless while you were sick and knowing there was nothing that I could do to make you heal. I was glad to nurse you again. That night was a bit better, because I could comfort you better, and the next morning brought great news. We were being discharged! God was healing you so much faster than they anticipated! The doctor's were thrilled and told me that your next checkup would be in about 4-6 weeks. Seriously?? I was shocked and excited because then we could fly out to California and see my family. I really needed them. Also, that morning you started smiling more! It was just for a bit, but more of my Bryn was coming out. So we took you home that afternoon, had Mike, Robyn and baby Stephen over for dinner with Granna, and you did pretty well. You were very clingy, and skeptical of everyone but me. I bet you didn't know if they were going to hurt you like all the nurses had done at the hospital. The next few days you started gradually getting better, and more playful, but still with a lot of cuddling and reassurance from me. Today you laughed for the first time when Brea was playing peekaboo with you. That was fun! And for the first time in a week you're sleeping in your crib. Nice. I'm so proud of you! I haven't had anything that traumatic happen to me, and I just know that Angels are watching over you and God is healing you. I'm sorry that you had to go through this, but hopefully you won't remember any of it soon. I love you my little Bryn!! I'm so glad my sunshine is still here!!