This month you'll be one, and I feel sad. I love you to bits, and you're so much fun! You still are a baby to me, but I look back and see how much you've grown and I feel sad. I know I say it over and over, but I just want to capture every moment, to box it up and savor it. To be able to recall at any given moment your smell, your giggle, your cry, and your little voice as it tries to make words. I worry that I can't, and I worry that I didn't capture it all in pictures or tapes. I know that I have, and I've done my best, but no matter what I do, time passes and you grow up. I sometimes wish life had a pause button or a rewind. I might use a fast forward during some nights that seem to make you sad and cry, but mostly I want to slow it all down. When I was little time seemed endless. I remember sitting in my room, supposed to be taking a nap and wishing I could be older so I wouldn't have to. It seemed like an eternity until Christmas every year, but now Christmas comes ever too quickly.
Tonight was a hard night, and you've had several the last couple weeks. I don't know if you're teething- which is highly possible, or if you're just gassy or just want to play and not sleep. But I rock you and we sing, you point out things in the dark and I whisper to you what they are. You speak in "sentences," not one word fragments, but several words put together undecipherably except a few mamas in between. I can tell when you ask a question by the intonation in your voice. You're learning so much and it's fun to see how well you listen now. About a month ago you would want to stand up in the bathtub and you didn't understand when I'd tell you "no," and that you'd have to get out if you didn't sit on your bottom. Several times in a row you had to get out early, and I didn't know if you understood why. But tonight in your bath, you started to stand up and I gently said "no, sit on your bottom please." And you looked at me, sat down, then grinned at me proudly. You also climb all the way up the stairs by yourself (we're behind you of course). That started last month. Today you snuck away, though, in a moment of confusion, and I followed your voice all the way upstairs to find you had closed the gate and were watching out the stair rails. You're really fast! A game you get excited about is when Brea chases us upstairs. You laugh and wiggle your arms and legs to speed me up. You like to catch Brea to, so I'll hold you in front of me and we'll chase her around. You crack up and I love it!
You' ve started throwing some temper tantums a bit. If Brea takes your toy you'll yell and hit your arms on the floor. And if you want something and we aren't fast enough or don't understand you'll yell too. You've started defending yourself a bit with Brea, and you'll push her away if you don't want her to touch you, or you'll take your toys back. Most of the time though, you're the one that gets picked on, so I'm glad to see you fending for yourself.
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