Bryn’s Belly

July29, 2006

My precious little Bryn,

Today was one of the worst days of my life. I was so worried about you and I couldn't make you better. It all started on Friday. We gave you baby applesauce and you had really bad poops and diarrhea that whole day. I just attributed it to the applesauce, and didn't really think anything else about it, and maybe there was nothing to it…. But you threw up your lunch-oatmeal, carrots, apples and blueberries- several times over on Saturday beginning at 1:30. You were fussing in your bed and when I picked you up and brought you downstairs you let your lunch go. That was just the beginning. You threw up several times and so I called the nurse to see what to do about feeding you and how to take care of you. I was supposed to give you 1 tsp of pedialyte every 5-10 minutes. If you threw up I was supposed to wait 30 before I fed you more. Well, you threw up every 40 min. when I would feed you again. You didn't have a fever, and the doctor just told me to call back if you had diarrhea too. You just snuggled with me all day, and you were very weak and uncomfortable. But at about 7 I fed you and you held it down, so I thought we were finally in the clear. I put you in your swing, with it turned off, and you slept through the night.

You woke up at about 6:30 the next morning. I fed you then, as much as you wanted thinking you were over your tummy problems, but you threw it all up. I was really upset and worried. I knew something was wrong. Around 10ish you had diarrhea in your diaper, so I called the doctor again. You were completely listless, weak, and lethargic. They told me to take you to A Cute Kids Urgent Care in McKinney when it opened at 12. I brought you there with just your diaper and a towel because you soaked through everything else. They took some blood, took urine from a catheter for labs, and took a stool sample. When they tried to put an IV in, it was really hard. They only stuck you 3 times, but the first two veins collapsed when they tried to put the fluid in because you were so dehydrated. They got the IV in your head, and they gave you fluid for about 7 hours. By then you were throwing up bile and you had blood in your diaper. It was a pinkish mucous, like jelly, but it had some little chunks of tissue too. They said that that happens with as much vomiting and diarrhea as you'd had. They also said before the IV in that you would perk up and be yourself again once they hydrated you with fluids, but that wasn't the case. You were still sleepy and weak, not my Bryn. I was just holding you that whole time, singing to you (all week really), and when I sang "You Are My Sunshine," I would cry at the part where it says, "Please don't take my sunshine away." At the end of the day the doctor said that he gave you an antibiotic for what could be a urinary tract infection, and that he gave you enough fluids to keep you hydrated through the night. He said we could go home and that you probably had a stomach virus. I asked about taking you to the ER, but he said that they would just do the same things he had and that they didn't need to be done again. I hated bringing you home, but you hadn't thrown up in a couple hours because they gave you a nausea medicine, so I thought maybe you'd get better with rest. On the way home I texted Dr. Anthony Vallarino, my friend, and he said to ask about intussusception and a few other things. I planned to the next morning. The urgent care Dr. had told me to nurse you before bed and I did, but you threw it up instantly. I was crying again, and we called the nurse line. She told us to take you to the emergency room if you continued to throw up several more times. I hated every second of the night because you were uncomfortable and in pain, and about every 15 minutes you'd wake up and arch your back, twisting yourself around in your swing. I'd go back and forth between holding you and putting you in the swing, trying to get you comfortable somehow. Nothing worked. In the morning we woke up about 6, and you had slept for about 2 straight hours. The urgent care doctor told me to nurse you in the morning, but you weren't interested. So I gave you some pedialyte, tried to pump, then gave you a little syringe full of my milk. You drank it and then wanted more, but you threw it all up again. By now I was scared, furious that I wasn't at the doctors- they didn't open until 8:30- and feeling so awful for you. I started getting ready, knowing that the second the Drs. Office opened I was going. But when they did open and I called for an appointment they couldn't get me in until 9:20. I waited a little longer and then took you, naked again, to the doctor's. Dr. Smith said she wanted to check us into the hospital because you were dehydrated. Before I asked about what Anthony had told me, she said there was something called intussusception that made the intestines telescope in on themselves, but that it was not very common and probably wasn't the case. She was ordering an x-ray and more labs to check everything out. We went straight to the hospital, around 10 am.

At Allen Presbyterian Hospital they must have tried 20 times to get an IV in you, each time the vein would blow. They said it was like putting a needle into the edge of a paper, that your veins were flat instead of round because you were dehydrated. It was awful. But after 4 hours of no IV and no liquid, I asked them to ask Dr. Smith if I could try pedialyte again. She let me and this time you kept it all down. I gave you 5 ml every 10 min. When they got the results of the x-ray back it showed you had pockets of air on one side of your large intestine, and not as much on the other. There was still a little gas throughout, but the pocket of air/gas was a little concerning. They ordered a sonogram and, just like the x-ray, neither diagnosed intussusception or cleared you from having it. I was sick to my stomach; you were just miserable, weak and really dehydrated. I made sure that the doctors had a way of getting fluids to you if you really needed them, and Dr. Smith said she would go straight to the bone if the time came. I was glad there was at least another option. It was time to do something though, and Dr. Smith said that we should go ahead and give you an air enema which would not only diagnose intussusception but could treat it as well. Not a fun procedure, but not necessarily harmful. She recommended transferring to another hospital with a pediatric ward, and I chose Children's Hospital in Dallas. Within an hour and a half, an ambulance arrived and took us there. I was in a daze. This was spiraling out of control, and my heart hurt.

Daddy went home to take Brea to her friend Roman's house, and then he got several things for our stay. I rode on the ambulance with you, and watched you from the front seat. The ambulance crew was so nice and talked to you why they worked on trying to find an IV spot. They failed once and then decided to take you to their emergency room to have an IV specialist work on you. On the way there I texted everyone to pray that a vein would work, and sure enough the nurse got it with one try. It was on your head again and it worked for about two hours, but then that vein blew too. At least they were able to give you several boluses of fluid before it burst. Then you got poked some more until a vein took. I hated every second of it. I was terrified for you. The whole ambulance ride and going to another hospital seemed very major, and I was still hoping that you only had a tummy ache. Of course I knew better, but I didn't want to believe it. We met the doctor, Dr. Lee, and he was very nice. We updated him on your symptoms and told him about the intussusception Dr. Smith and Vallarino were concerned about. He went to look at the x-ray results from that day, and then came up to discuss them. He also was concerned about the air pockets, the color of the blood in your diapers (that never went away), and the fact that you had fits of pain. He said usually kids will fuss for about 15 minutes, then be okay for a couple hours. You would fuss for about 2 min. every 15. He ordered another x-ray to make comparisons. After that one was also inconclusive, he said he wanted to do another x-ray in the morning, after you got you hydrated (he didn't want to do the enema with you still dehydrated) to see if that changed the gas patterns. That night was awful; people kept coming in and waking you up and you kept throwing up the pedialyte they told me to give you. Daddy went home and planned to pick Brea up in the morning and to meet Granna at our house. Granna hated being at home and was so worried for you. When I asked her if she'd regret coming out if you only had a tummy virus, she said, "Laura, I hope that's all this is, and I want to be with you all." That meant the world to me.

The next morning they did another x-ray on your tummy. It was inconclusive, and so Dr. Lee said that we needed to do the enema. Daddy was on his way, and Granna was watching Brea. A resident surgeon came up to discuss the procedure and explain why he was involved. Apparently they notify the surgeons just in case something goes wrong. I asked if that was likely and he said no. I had this awful fear that your intestines would burst just like all of your veins were. The doctor was nice, but said no, that wouldn't happen. I felt better after I asked all my "what if" questions and he reminded me that the only procedure he intended to do was the enema. Then they let me carry you downstairs to the procedure room. They explained what they were going to do and that if you didn't have intussusception it would be over very quickly and you'd be quite gassy. If they did find a problem it would take longer as they tried to work it out. I had to wait outside the door, which was okay. I hate to see you in pain. I made them promise to take care of you. I sent more texts out asking for prayers. And I talked with Daddy who was just pulling up to the hospital. It was taking a long time, and I could hear you crying intermittently. I was desperate to see you. And then the resident surgeon came out with a lady who had a sad look on her face, walked and talked in slow motion as she put her hand on my knee. I thought I was going to vomit. I couldn't focus on her. I knew it was bad news and I needed your daddy with me. I kept looking over my shoulder for him. He wasn't there. She was talking and saying that you'd be okay…Something went wrong… They'd have to take you to surgery… You had intussusception but they couldn't reduce it with the enema…They leaked air into your intestines because the intestine was too weak… I looked at the surgeon and I said, "You told me that wouldn't happen!" I really thought I was spinning; my gut was being wrenched from me. I needed to see you. And when I went in, and saw your limp body on the table, your belly so hard and swollen with air, I wanted more than ever to take your place. I was sobbing and trying to console you. I rubbed your cheek with mine, your nose to mine, telling you that you could do this, that I needed you to do this. I needed you to fight hard for me. I couldn't live without you. And I couldn't take your pain away. And then you started convulsing like you were going to throw up, only it was thick, bubbly spit with dark brown blood in it. I just wanted to make you better. With all of my being I was heartbroken, scared, terrified, and longing for you. We had to sign consent forms that say everything awful that could happen to you. Daddy and I were both hysterical, thinking the worst and yet having to hand over our baby in hopes that you'd be better. It was our only option. They said they would have to cut out the intussusception and any part of the bowel that wasn't healthy. Repair the hole from the leak, and hopefully sew the intestines back together. They said there was a possibility of them having to sew the ends of the bowel to your skin, and you would have to have a colostomy bag for a few months until it healed. That sounded awful for you, but as long as they gave you back to me, I thought we could handle it. I kept saying, I can get through this if you tell me she'll be okay. But they couldn't promise, only try to reassure us. It didn't work. I held you closely until they were ready for you, and then I was sure my heart was ripped in half. I felt the punch to my gut and I sobbed some more in daddy's arms. I hated this for you. We had to go wait in the waiting room, and the nurse would call in about an hour to tell us how you were doing. It was a long hour. Daddy got us food and we recruited more prayers from friends and family. Then God helped us pass the time by making us be silly together. It wasn't a funny time, but the laughter helped a lot. The nurse finally called and said they had started and that you were doing great. That made us feel a bit better, but not quite. We were prepared to wait for 4 hours, but after two the nurse called us to a conference room. Luckily we knew that they would bring us there, or we might have died right then. When Dr. Skinner, the surgeon who operated on you, came in he said that you were doing great, that everything went well, and that he was able to reduce the intussusception without cutting the intestines. Great news! He took out your appendix just because he was in there and so you don't have any problems later with it. He explained that although they looked for the hole that leaked the air out, they couldn't find it. He did find and repair 8 tears where the bowel was the weakest and he thought that the air might have leaked through there. We were so thankful and excited to see you and that you were "cured"! We had to wait another 2 hours, which was an eternity. But I was actually able to sleep a bit, knowing that you were okay and that we didn't have to wonder what was wrong with you. You were diagnosed and treated, and all you had to do now was heal from the surgery. The doctor said that your vomiting should be over, and that the bloody stools would get less and less as it heals. We thanked him and he said, "Well, let's give thanks to God, because He's the ultimate Healer." How amazing was that? I'm glad God put him in charge of the surgery. I get goose bumps just thinking about how humble that Dr. was. He just saw himself as using the talents that God had given him, and he's right. I wish I would have thanked him for doing what God called him to do.

When the nurse came into the waiting room again, she told us you were recovering and we could go see you, one at a time. I went first, quickly, and then let daddy see you quickly before I stole you back. Daddy went to pick up Brea and Granna. You were sleeping and peaceful. You had a nose tube, a catheter, heart monitors and an IV coming out of you. That was scary, but luckily I saw uncle David when he was in the hospital and in pretty bad condition. I think he prepared me for that. They would give you morphine when they could and when you had painful expressions. I didn't want you to feel anything. I felt like I was in another world. In a cloud of Bryness, only thinking of you and how lucky we ended up being. I was supposed to go up to the room to get our stuff 'cause we were being moved to a different room, but I didn't know how to get there and I couldn't remember the 5 digit room number. I was standing at the elevator with a lady who brought me to that point, wondering what floor I was on. I had asked directions, nodded and answered thank you, but I wasn't paying any attention. I was about to go ask again when the elevator opened and out popped Mike and Robyn. I didn't even know they were coming! I told them my predicament and Mike said they had just come from the room and they'd show me. It was definitely God looking after me. The room ended up not being ready, so I went to go pump until it was done. Well, after I pumped I realized that I didn't know where the other room was, and that I didn't pay any attention to the directions I had gotten. I was a wreck! Seriously confused and disoriented. Well, as I was opening the door to ask a nurse, Billy, Carla and Samantha showed up at the door. They said they had just been to the new room, and they led me there. God intercepted again for me!! Thanks! So the rest of the night was getting settled, holding you and watching you, praying, and talking with family and friends. Life was feeling a little better.

Tonight was hard. After everyone left I was just thinking about how awful this could have been. And even though things were going to be getting better and I knew that you had been treated correctly, you were still not my Bryn. You were still very sick, tired, hurting and probably scared. I know that people meant well by being positive and telling me how good you looked and all, but for some reason I still needed to grieve for you, and I couldn't fully relax until you were back to being my happy and healthy baby. I guess other people get to breathe easy when you seemed to be in the clear, as they should, but mommies aren't able to think that way. I really wanted my mom to be with me. I was very sad. And daddy needed to be with Brea, which was good because she was worried about you too. But I was alone. You took great comfort in me, and settled down when I would hold you. I had to sit in this rocking chair that was really uncomfortable, and by the time I'd decide I had to put you down both of my legs and arms (and butt) would be asleep. Why don't they have comfy chairs in hospital rooms?? I guess I should catch a bit of sleep now. I just remember this awful experience so that we know we made it and that we become stronger for it.

August 3,

Each night at the hospital different nurses would come in every hour to poke, prod, and make sure you were okay. Every time someone came in you woke up and it took awhile to settle you down and get you to sleep. Deep down I knew you were going to be fine, and I was truly exhausted, so when there was a bit of time to catch some sleep, we both tried. The doctor said you'd have your nose tube that drained your tummy for a few days, and that we'd probably be in the hospital for about a week and some change. We were praying that you're stomach fluids would be less, that you'd have a bowel movement and that when they let you you'd take in your fluids without vomiting. Well, that first night you pooped, and that was a great sign! The doctor's were glad about that as well on Wednesday morning, but still wanted to keep your tube in. They took your catheter out, and gave you about 6 hours to pee. It was hard to tell what was what in your diaper, so I think they gave you a few extra hours. Thursday morning when the doctors came in they said that you were doing great and that your tube could come out! And after several hours I could nurse you again!! What great news! So each day it was getting easier to hold you 'cause there were less cords in the way. I held you close almost all day, you would sleep well snuggled up close to me. Most of the day you'd sleep, and when you were awake you were pretty serious, contemplative, and just observing everything. I was dying to see your smile- you hadn't smiled since Saturday afternoon- or at least something that told me you were peaceful and occasionally happy. I had to wait for that. It was hard and I was still sad. But around 2 pm they let me give you a bit of pedialyte and then I got to nurse you. It was nice to be able to do something for you finally. It's hard feeling helpless while you were sick and knowing there was nothing that I could do to make you heal. I was glad to nurse you again. That night was a bit better, because I could comfort you better, and the next morning brought great news. We were being discharged! God was healing you so much faster than they anticipated! The doctor's were thrilled and told me that your next checkup would be in about 4-6 weeks. Seriously?? I was shocked and excited because then we could fly out to California and see my family. I really needed them. Also, that morning you started smiling more! It was just for a bit, but more of my Bryn was coming out. So we took you home that afternoon, had Mike, Robyn and baby Stephen over for dinner with Granna, and you did pretty well. You were very clingy, and skeptical of everyone but me. I bet you didn't know if they were going to hurt you like all the nurses had done at the hospital. The next few days you started gradually getting better, and more playful, but still with a lot of cuddling and reassurance from me. Today you laughed for the first time when Brea was playing peekaboo with you. That was fun! And for the first time in a week you're sleeping in your crib. Nice. I'm so proud of you! I haven't had anything that traumatic happen to me, and I just know that Angels are watching over you and God is healing you. I'm sorry that you had to go through this, but hopefully you won't remember any of it soon. I love you my little Bryn!! I'm so glad my sunshine is still here!!

Mommy, I love you

You, my dear, are so happy, funny and smart! And also so two! Your expresions resemble mine and your daddy's, but when you say them it cracks us up. Some of the things you say are, "What a bummer," "That's okay, Mommy," "Almost, Sister, almost," "It's okay, Bryn, I'm here," "Sure," "Just a minute, Mom," "Hang on! Hang on!" "Good job, Dad!" and "Well, not right now, Mommy," or "Umm, no thanks Dad." You're sweet to your sister and show her love by poking (mostly gently), petting, squishing, squeezing and sharing. You look at her and say, I love you so much, Bryn. Sometimes you get rough with her, and she lets you know by crying. She's already quite the tattler!

My favorite thing that you do lately is snuggle. It might be your favorite thing, too. You just say, "Mommy, I want to snuggle with you" periodically through the day and we cuddle up together on the couch with a blanket. You give me puppy dog kisses and rub your nose with mine, sighing, "mommy... mommy... mommy." Sometimes you just look at me and say, "Mommy, I love you." Oh, my Brea, I love you too! You also crack me up when you pretend you're going to kiss my cheek, then buzz me with your lips. After a few of those back and forth we just get giggly and can't stop.

Today when we were playing, daddy was chasing us and I was carrying you, running away from him. We'd hide behind the curtains until he found us, then run to find a new spot. It was a lot of fun!

You're becoming more of a two-year old in the sense that you are telling me no, throwing tantrums, screaming just because you can, and forgetting that you have words instead of whinning and yelling. We're trying to figure out how to deal with it, mostly we try to distract you, put you in time out, and talk to you. I don't know what works yet, but I need to figure it out quick! Know that mommies and daddies don't always know what to do!

The other day you finally opened the door to get out of your room. I think we were lucky that it took this long for you to figure it out, but it was hard once you did. You walked all the way to our room the first morning and woke us up so sweetly. I didn't mind that it was early, 'cause you came in and said, "Good morning guys! How are you doing?" But at night you kept coming out of your room, and going into your sister's room. Nobody would know that you weren't in your bed 'til we heard you on Bryn's monitor singing "Twinkle, Twinkle" to her. When I went upstairs, I had to act stern, but I really thought it was the sweetest thing to see you hanging over the side of her crib, singing to her. The next day you snuck out during naptime, went into the guest room and got my pin cushion. You took it back to your room, sat on your bed and pulled the pins out one by one. I don't know how you didn't get hurt when you left your room, but I didn't know what was going on until I heard you on Bryn's monitor, singing again. After that I decided that I had to put a doorknob lock on your handle to keep you safe in your room.

You're getting into dressing up. Today you wore your tutu over your pink pajamas all day. We didn't leave the house, so it didn't matter. You also wear sunglasses when we leave- you require them! You like dressing yourself, but still get mad when you can't do it and throw things and yell.

If something isn't your idea, it is pretty hard to get you to do it. At dinner, I don't usually care if you eat it all or not, just that you try it. You might argue with me, but the second I turn my back and busy myself with something else, you eat it. Other people don't always get it, and they try to co-erse you to do things...it doesn't work.

When you play with your babies and animals, you like to pretend they're sad, or crying and tell me that they need medicine. You also have your toys hit each other and you put them in time out. Does that mean you're learning something about hitting?

You got to see and hang out with Papa Jay, Granna, Mike, Robyn and baby Stephen this last week. It was fun! You talked about it for awhile before they came out, and since they've left you say that you miss them.

You're really good with the pronouns I, me and you now, only messing up when you say, "I want to come with me (you)." You still get her, him, she, he messed up. You'll say "I miss her" when you talk about Papa, een though you can tell me that Papa's a boy. It's fun to see how your vocabulary has changed and progressed. I think everyday you learn something new and make corrections to little things that you said the day before. I can't keep up with you! For the most part the things that you say are understood by me and daddy, but there are times that you get really animated and talk in paragraphs and no one can decipher it. The thing is that you repeat some things until we repeat it. We can't always pretend and just respond in a general way, and then we're forced to admit that we don't understand. Either way, I love hearing you talk! Oh, and you're singing a lot! You just sing songs that you've heard, and even try to sing new songs on the radio by repeating or humming as you hear them. I love it! You've memorized a lot of your books, and when prompted will "read" it. I can stop at any part and you'll finish sentences, and in some books I don't have to read anything, just turn the pages. It's pretty fun.

I love everything about you, and though you're testing us lately, it's a challenge that I accept!

Love,
Mommy

Da Da and Ma Ma

Hey my little lady!
You amaze me every day by how much you change and grow! You're so stinking cute I just want to kiss you all day! My favorite thing is to "gobble" your chin and cheek- you just laugh and laugh! You're sitting up perfectly, and have been since around the 4th of July. It's fun because you're able to interact more with your toys and Brea on the floor. When you fall down you get mad, especially when you end up on your belly. You're not a fan of being on your belly. The last couple days you've been making sounds that seem more like words. It's not just coos, ya know? I'm pretty sure you said "ma ma" when your granna was out last week, and yesterday I heard you saying "da da" pretty clearly. You're not repeating it, and you're not reaching for us when you say it, but it's probably not far off! How fun!

You've also been eating a lot of baby food! This week I started giving you two meals a day- oatmeal, fruit and veggies for each meal (after nursing). And you're pooping like a pro! Goodness, maybe 6 times yesterday and today, at this rate, you might be that! I'm not a fan! But you're happy as can be!

Your schedule is pretty consistent, with you waking up about 7 am and nursing, sleeping from 9:30-11am, eating a meal and playing, napping from 1-3pm, eating a meal and playing again, a little nap at about 5, nursing at 7 with about 4 ounces of formula and bedtime at 8.

I just love you! I love your chunky legs and the rolls on your arms! I love your smile and the way you tuck your chin under and flirt with me. I love that when you get tired you shriek, when you're poopy you whine, and the rest of the time you giggle and smile. I love that you try to be a good sport when Brea loves on you by poking and petting and squeezing you, but that you tell us when you've had enough. I like that you take in new things and people by studying them seriously before you relax and play. I love that the second you grip your blanket and it touches your cheek in your crib you sigh and turn your head sideways to sleep. I love that you have to cry for a moment when I leave the room before you actually fall asleep. I'd like to think you're telling me you miss me. I love that you're starting to jump in your jumper upstairs, and that you can only move backwards in your walker. I love how your face lights up when me, daddy or Brea come into your view. I love that you smile when I sing. I love that when I nurse you you reach up and touch my face, and hold onto my nose. I love that you'll stop sucking to smile at me when I talk to you. I love that you're eyebrows crinkle when you hear Brea cry- I think you're already concerned for her and are letting me know you're worried. I love that you lay your head on my shoulder every so often and snuggle when you're tired-I wish you did it more. I love that your little hands hold me when I carry you and reach for everything around you. I love it when you play with my hair and your fingers dapple around my face. I love when you buzz your lips and babble when I ask you a question- it's like we're having a conversation. I love that you got to meet your Papa Jay and saw Granna again. You considered them seriously the first afternoon, but soon decided you loved them and would let them hold you. I like that you do things in your own time, after careful consideration. You are a beautiful girl, and I adore you. Every day my heart grows more and I just can't love you enough! God is an amazing God for letting me be your mommy!

I know I just said it a hundred times,
but I love you,
Mommy

Sad Day Potty Training

Brea,
Today started out fun...Sawyer and Isabella came over and we had a "potty party". You all walked around in your panties (and underpants) until the timer went off and would run to your potties and sit down for a bit. Suckers were the incentive to put your pee pee in the potty, and stickers if you tried. Well, you just held your in, but you'd sit down and try. I kept your diaper off during nap time because you didn't go all morning, and I wanted to get at least one in the potty. That didn't work- you woke up from your nap early but didn't make it to the potty in time. And you started screaming and crying when you went. I thought that maybe you were sad 'cause you had an accident, but when it continued I knew something hurt. It wasn't until about 6 that I considered you had a bladder infection and called the doctor. You were screaming every few minutes and holding your bottom... it was getting worse. At the doctor's office, you seemed perfectly fine, happy as could be. The doctor checked you out, and said you were fine, probably had a little irritation and some diaper cream would help. She was ready to send us back home when I said no. I told her that I knew you were acting fine there, but I knew something wasn't right and asked her to check your urine. Well, they wouldn't put a bag in your diaper like they've done before, they said you'd have to go on the potty and I'd catch it in a cup. I let you try, but knew that it wasn't going to happen-the reason we were having this problem is 'cause you didn't want to go in the potty in the first place. So, the newness of the doctor's has worn off by then, and your pain came back. You were screaming on the potty, and I'm worried, asking the doctor's what I'm supposed to do. They still said that you'd have to go on the potty. So after about 10 more minutes of you screaming, I asked them what they do for babies. They said they put a catheter in. I told them to do it. It was awful! I knew it was the right thing to do, because I knew you were hurting, but it was awful! I held you down and hugged you tight, saying that you could do it. I hated every second of it for you. When they finished we both just hugged and cried together until they came in again with the results. Sure enough you had a urinary tract infection and they gave you antibiotics. I was really angry at the doctor for the way they handled us- almost sending us home and not suggesting the catheter- if I hadn't asked you'd still be hurting. Anyway, you felt better this morning after only one dose of the medicine and some tylenol. When daddy got you up this morning and asked you how you felt you said happily, "mommy made my bottom better". I heard it on the monitor and cried again. I'm glad you saw it that way. Sometimes a mommy just knows her baby is sick, and has to help her get better no matter what. I sure love you and you were very brave!

Love,
Mommy

Smiles and Laughs

Bryn,

My heart is full and complete with you in my life. I look at your sweet, round face and adore you. Your eyes are so blue and bright! You've been squealing lately, this high pitched laugh-like squeal. I can make you laugh a little too, by gobbling up your tummy. I think it tickles a bit 'cause you wiggle and laugh. You'll babble and coo, and you're starting to make sounds as I pat your mouth with my finger, making funny noises. You're still spitting up alot, but some days are better than others. You love to sit and stand, with help of course, but you're really good at it. I got out the excersaucer and you're able to sit in it and watch what's going on around you. You have a pretty normal routine now, you'll eat every 3 hours, play for about an hour, then take a nap for about an hour and a half before you eat again. At night, you're pretty good about sleeping 9 straight hours, eat, then sleep another 3. It just depends on when I put you to bed. I tried putting you to sleep at 8, but you'd wake up at 4 am, and I didn't like that. So I think it's best when I feed you your last feeding at 11, then another at 8. That makes it seem like you sleep through the night, even though it's the same amount of hours. I love nursing you. Your little hands move about and reach up to touch my face, and arms. You'll stop drinking to smile at me. You like to be swaddled when I put you to bed, and you like your legs to be squished up, "indian style", and lifted with a blanket. I'm not sure how I figured that out! You fall asleep really quickly once your swaddle blanket is on, like I've conditioned you. Your sister loves you to pieces, and will rub your nose with hers, give you kisses, and try to get kisses from you. You don't really like people touching your face, and I don't think you really like it when she's all over you, but you're a good sport. You do watch her very closely, and she likes to perform for you. She's always thinking of you and remembering you- when she says goodnight, when she sings songs, when we go bye-bye with or without you... I love it. She does want what you have though, so I think you're going to have a few battles ahead of you. I'll try and train her now :o).

I love you, I love to snuggle with you, and hold you, and smell you, and stare at you, and feel your soft skin and your little fingers caress my skin. I'm so glad I get to be your mommy!

Love,
Mommy

Brea

My little Brea,
You amaze me! You're speaking in full sentences now, and you'll say anything and everything that comes to your mind. It cracks us up! Lately it's been hard for us to understand some of what you're saying, but I think because all of a sudden you'll talk about things that aren't around. You'll say abstract things. Where as before you would tell us what you needed and wanted, and most of the things would be visible. Now, you might be telling us about what you saw outside, or in your room. I love it! You're also singing a lot more! You can sing the ABC's and Twinkle, Twinkle all by yourself. You can count to 10, although I don't know that you couldn't do more. It's easiest when you have things to count, then you'll do it by yourself. If we count with you sometimes you wait til we say the numbers first. You recognize the letters in your name, not 100% of the time, but I don't think it's a coincidence any more. You've been naming them for a long time, several months, but for some reason I didn't think you really knew them. You may very well have! You're getting better at your colors and can name most of them most of the time. You had your first haircut, which was a breeze, and a dentist appointment. They just looked in your mouth and brushed your teeth. You needed a little bit of encouragement, and finally with the bribe of a balloon, you did all they asked of you. We also changed your bed into a toddler bed and now you'll wake up in the morning, around 8:30, and play until 10 before asking for us. It's pretty fun to listen to you on the monitor, reading books, talking to your animals and dolls, opening and emptying all of your drawers, rubbing things along the metal vent in your room, buzzing the door stopper, and pushing buttons on your musical toys. And daddy loves the extra sleep you give him! I tried to potty train you one morning, but you didn't like to take your panties off. You would keep sitting on the potty so you could get an M&M, but you wouldn't try and go for two of them by going potty. We went to Build a Bear and you made a bear for your sister, talking into the sound box for her, and I made one for you. You picked out panties for your bear to wear, and I was hoping you'd be really excited about Teddy and take her to the potty with you. You also picked out a pink bathrobe for her. But the next day when we put your panties on, you didn't care much about the bear at all, or the potty. Maybe someday you'll like Teddy, and hopefully you'll want to use the potty. You had one accident in your panties, and when you went down for you nap, I put your diaper back on and haven't taken it off yet.

You have been absolutely amazing to Bryn. You're very thoughtful of her throughout the day and ask to see her, hold her, kiss her goodnight or goodbye. You put blankets on her and give her pacis or toys when she's sad, tell her "it's okay" when she cries. You'll also tell me and daddy when you hear her, saying "sister crying." You're so sweet! Daddy and I were talking and we decided that you can't teach someone to care the way you do, and to be thoughtful and considerate of other people's feeling the way you are. You're an amazing little girl, a two-year old girl no less. I can't believe how well you share! When you have friends over, you'll let them have your toys, and I've taught you to cheer for them when it's their turn. So little Roman was on your jumping zebra the other day, and at first you were looking like you might want him off, but then you started clapping and saying, "yay Ro Ro!" I can't believe that a)you learned that so quick and put it to use on your own, and b)you have such self control! Don't get me wrong, it's not always a breeze with you, but you have such amazing qualities in your personality that it is such a joy being with you, even when you're not on your best behavior.

You really like to be in control of most things right now. You like to pick which direction we walk, tell me if you want to sit or stand, what you want to drink, what you want to do, play, or watch on t.v., when you want to eat, and you like to change your mind just to see what happens. Daddy and I don't care much either way, and we try to let you think you're in control by offering you choices. But sometimes I think you figure that out, and it frustrates you. Then you'll throw a tantrum just to throw it, because you can and because it wasn't one of our choices. And sometimes you just can't have your way, and so the tantrums come. Everytime we go outside on a walk, we look for all the puppies we can find, search for flowers in the winter grass, count mailboxes, and then play tag in the common area. You never want to come in, and you'll spend about 5 minutes on the floor by the front door crying when we have to. I just let you have your moment, and soon enough you'll come closer to us and your crying will die down to a couple pouts and fake sobs. Then I'm able to distract you and we can have fun again. The trick with you is to let you have your time, because nothing will make you happy until you're ready for it. I still have my secret rule that your nap isn't over until you wake up happy. The few times daddy or I have broken it and gotten you thinking we could cheer you up ended up with temper tantrums, lots of high pitched "no's", frustration and you back in bed. It only took about 5 minutes of alone time before you were back to normal, playing happily in your room, and excited to see us again. If we wait for you to be happy, the days are a breeze!

I love everything about you, your tempers and your laughs, your frustrations and your dancing. I couldn't ask for anything more.

I love you,
Mommy

Bryn

1 Month old...

My sweet Bryn... I am in love with you. Like I've needed you in my life all along. I don't know how it is that I thought my heart was full of love for your daddy and Brea, but it grew to be full of love for you too. God is an amazing Father, and I know now that He does love us all the same, each one of us, from the beginning to the end. His heart just keeps growing. I love your millions of sounds- gurgles and grunts, hiccups and cries, squeaks and sighs. I love how you stretch your arms, wrinkle your forehead and squish your nose when you wake up from your naps. I love how your yawn is a little crooked...how your breath is so sweet...how your eyes are so round and blue...how your head bobbles around as you look back at me... I love how your fingers grip mine so tightly, so comfortably as you nurse...how you wiggle sideways on my chest and turn your face toward mine...I love how you make an "ooo" shape with your lips like you're in awe of your surroundings...how your face scrunches when your mad or hurting...and how your eyes move around and crack open and shut as you dream. I just love watching you. Everything about you. I love, but do get frustrated, that you can be sound asleep in my arms and even as I wrap you tightly in your blanket and put you in your bouncer, but the second I turn over and get tucked into bed, you wake up and start to cry. I guess I love that you're so comfortable in my arms. That I am your protector, and your heater, and your mommy, and your observer, and your admirer. That with me you feel secure and loved, and when I put you down, you know. I don't know how you know, but you do. Every time. I love when you're so wide awake, and those big, round eyes look back at me, searching my face, my eyes, my mouth. I just talk to you, and sing to you, and you are content to watch me and squeeze my finger. I love that I have to burp you for what seems like forever before your belly feels better. I love that you can soak through a bib within a couple minutes of putting it on. I love that no matter how long I wait after I feed you to get you dressed, you will still spit up on your clean outfit. I love that you love a warm bath and it will make you relax instantly. I love that you have mine and your papa's eyebrows and that you have your daddy's eyes and nose. I love that you kind of look like your sister but you're different somehow. I love that I'm going to get to know you, and love you even more, with every new day. I love that you won't sleep laying flat on your back, you have to be inclined. I love that you'd be perfectly content sleeping in your daddy or my arms if we let you- and sometimes we do, just so we can sleep a little. I love that when I want you to sleep, you don't, and when I don't mind either way, you do. I love that you have a mind of your own, even now I can tell. I love that your sister thinks of you often, and wants to see you and hold you, without our prompting. I love that you will be loved by her, and looked after by her, even when nobody asks. I love that she brings you pacis and blankets and toys when you cry. I love that she tells you it's okay when you're mad. I love that you are loved by her. It might be one of the greatest gifts I've been given, two little girls, two sisters who will be there for each other in the thick of it all, when no one else understands, when no one else has the same perspectives, when no one else has the same beliefs, you will have each other. It's a gift to you as well, to both of you, and I pray that you will both understand the significance of one another. My heart aches with an overwhelming amount of love. Sometimes I cry just to express it, to make it seem real, to feel it. I wish I could contain it, or grasp the magnitude of it to show you someday. I think you'll only know when you have a second child of your own. It's magical. You can't imagine loving anyone as much as you do your first child. Really. You can't. But you do! And love so much that it hurts! I am so thrilled with my life, I wish these moments could stay fresh in my mind forever, so that I could look back upon each one and relive the overwhelming feelings that I had. Maybe writing them all down will help. I will try for your sake. I want you to know the depths of my love. I want you to know that our God must love you even more than I, which I can't imagine. My little Bryn, know that I love you, and this first month with you has been precious. It's a blink of an eye though...

Love,
Mommy